One year ago on this day, I wasn’t back home celebrating my best friend’s birthday with her. I was sitting in between my sisters with my parents up front, on our way to my stay at the behavioral unit. I always thought that November 28th would be a special day to me, because of it being my best friend’s birthday. Now, this day has gotten a whole other special meaning to it.
It’s the day I chose myself. The day I chose to get the help I’d been surpassing for years. The day I chose self love and care over feeling selfish. This was the start of a whole new journey for me. A journey I thought would be short, simple. Boy was I wrong.
I’m very grateful for the journey I’ve endured. The good, the enlightening, the horrifying, the hideous, all the moments. If one moment didn’t occur, the other wouldn’t have followed. Everything works in a chain reactive way whether you think so or not.
Ever had a moment where you realized you never would have met someone or gotten a certain opportunity if this one person didn’t know this other person you met through some event or another person? Or some odd connection like that? If you don’t think so, really look back and think, was this truly all me or was there a chain reaction before it got to me?
From a distance, people probably thought I was having the best year of my life. However, this has been one of the toughest years I’ve lived through. I’m honestly shocked I’m still here to write this piece today. I was in my darkest hole yet, only digging myself deeper. I made the most mistakes I’ve ever made in a year, but I’m grateful for every single one. I’m the woman I am today because of those mistakes. I’m stronger and wiser for those mistakes.
I traveled a ton this past year, and I don’t plan on stopping. Any cent I made, went to my next trip. Traveling invigorates me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I learn so much from every trip I take. I meet incredible people in every location. I take risks my introverted self normally wouldn’t back home. I feel free. I feel at peace with myself when I see more of this chaotic, beautiful world. I don’t feel so much pressure in my chest of what the future holds. I feel more in the present, the only time we can control. I miss my friends and family with every trip, but they’re always right where I left them when I come home. Traveling has helped my mental health in so many ways. I’m so grateful for the trips I’ve been able to experience so far.
I lost too many people this year, friendships, and relationships with many people. I’ve come to terms with most of the relationships lost, but there's those couple that’ll sting everytime you think of them. That’s something I’ve grown to come to terms with better this past year as well, loss. The older I get, the older the ones I love get too. I need to be confident in myself and know I will be okay when my support system trickles away from this world.
I’ve always struggled with loss. Never wanted to deal with it and its repercussions. I feel everything so deeply, so loss is something that hits my core. Again, this is something I’ve practiced to come to terms with better. Loss still hurts, but I need to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me and my losses. People lose someone everyday. Who am I to think my loss is so much greater than those around me? Who am I to think my loss could hurt worse than my neighbors? I don’t know these answers but I now understand that the main subject in these questions is NOT supposed to be me.
I’ve also come to realize God takes people out of your life for a reason. Reasons we may not understand quite yet, but someday we hopefully will. If we don’t, then we can ask God himself someday why. At that point, I hope we understand that we don’t always need to know the reason WHY. Sometimes things just happen, sometimes there isn’t a miraculous reason we crave. That’s something we need to come to terms and be okay with.
In between trips I was working and going to appointments. Some of these appointments included medication changes. Medication changes are now two words that make my skin crawl. I never knew how bad medication changes were for your mental, emotional and physical health until this past year.
Medication changes quite literally changed me without me knowing it until it was too late. It wasn’t until after I had made a risky decision or purchase, said something I couldn’t believe, and interrupted people when it’s one of my biggest pet peeves did I have a recollection of “wait, wtf was that?”. I wasn’t Karlee. I was wearing this mask of medication that made me a horrible, scary, untrustworthy person. I’m so glad I finally spoke up after two months of mania and absolute chaos, that I was definitely not on the right medication and was scared of myself at night.
After months of these changes, I changed too. I changed for the better. I rewired my brain and put it back on the, “what was the point of this journey? YOU. WORK ON YOU” train. I’m not sure why self care and love is so hard to work on for yourself. At least for someone like me. It’s the most important kind of love. We cannot love and give away ourselves to others without having this love for ourselves too. Another thing I’ve learned.
I came into this journey thinking, “I want to be the absolute best version of myself, the best daughter, the best friend, the best girlfriend, the best wife someday, and overall the best person I can be. That was my goal. This is a goal I won’t meet until I’m six feet under. Why? Because all of these versions can always be worked on more. However, I’ve gotten a great start and realization of who I need to be not only for myself, but everyone in my life.
One year ago today, I was terrified, numb, nervous, and empty. Today, I am full of the knowledge I learnt in that unit. Today I still get numb occasionally, nerves are something my anxiety still has control of but I do not feel empty. I feel like my cup is filling. I’m not full, I’m not overflowing with glee and excitement yet. But I see something I didn’t for so long, hope.
xoxo from home
-KayJo