Hello dear readers, I’ve kind of disappeared for a while there. Honestly, might be something that occurs from time to time as life and my mental health take over. After my ‘Farmers’ Mental Health Matters’ piece, my life just hasn’t stopped in a way while being on a rollercoaster of events. An amazing gal from North Dakota got a hold of my piece and invited me to come to my first convention where I displayed my 'Farmers’ Mental Health Matters' merchandise as well as my blog I wrote. The event went very well. I met a ton of amazing people actually interested in mental health and the stigma around it. It felt good to get that first convention out of the way as well.
Shortly after this convention, it was final book editing time. I reread that book so many times I can’t even tell you a number. Let’s just say the book is ingrained in my mind. I’m a perfectionist so this took me a little over a month or so. I can happily say that the book is with a formater who is formatting the book perfectly as we approach the last steps to publishing. So February was convention and book month, as well as a main portion of March. Besides the other work busy, life things, I also haven’t been doing the best mentally. I've found myself in my hole again multiple times.
To give you an idea of where my head resides most days lately, here is a journal entry I wrote on March 14th that holds true to this day:
“It’s 1:23 am and my thoughts keep me awake. Manic like awake. I’ve been slowly but surely sinking in my hole the past few weeks. I’ve been fighting so hard against the currents aiming for a direct hit to my head and heart. This hole has felt different though. It’s as if I’ve been shredding water while the water keeps filling up around me. My body continues to stay afloat as my legs and arms go numb. Along with the rest of me and my head.
It’s like out of habit, my body continues to work away, keeping me from drowning. As my head floats back, I stare above me and see the light. The world continuing on without me. The world I’ve fought so hard to stay a part of. So I’ve been floating my way up as the water continues to fill around me.
I hate feeling numb and dissociating from everything around me. Then I think of the other version of me that hysterically bawls and feels everything at once. Both are quite exhausting. Even the emotions of others tend to stick to me and affect me. That’s something my family and anyone who gets close to me always say is my heart is my greatest asset but one that’ll continue to cause me pain. My greatest blessing yet biggest weakness. I’m grateful for my heart but I’d be lying if I said I never wished it wasn’t so sensitive, so soft.
Tell me something and I’ll take that to heart. I’ve grown and found mechanisms to help with this, however some words and actions just don’t roll off like I’d wish. That’s life. Mine at least. I’m so grateful for my life and all I’ve been gifted with. Sometimes it’s hard to see all I encompass as gifts. Especially when it comes to my issues. But they make me, me. They’re mine. I’m aware of them and am no longer in denial. I accept them fully. As fully as I have learned how to at least. So far.
Lately, I’ve been so anxious about the unknown. Things out of my control. I always preach to others not to worry about things out of our control. To enjoy the present… the only time we’re currently living. It’s a lot easier said than done.
Self-care and love is a lot easier said than done. It’s a task that can always be crafted more. One where our ‘toolbox’ can never get full enough. The limit does not exist to what we can fill in the self-care, self-love toolbox.
I’ve been reading a self-help-love book for women, along with rereading my positive affirmations and coping skills learnt in the unit. I’ve been putting in the time and work. Truely. Maybe that’s why this hole has felt more like a float than a sink. Either way- none of this would be possible without my support system and the love shown for me. I’m so thankful and appreciative for my support system. I’m not sure how or why I’ve been blessed so greatly in this division. I feel for those with their own struggles and no support at all. So deeply. It just seems so unfair. Not right.
As I float up out of the latest hole… I feel my next wreckage cursing me to the dry, empty, bottomless hole again. Like it’s inevitable. I hope my strength, skills, and support system do what they do best when that time comes.
I have to trust myself to be able to do that for myself. And I do. Even on the darkest nights, I still feel stronger, wiser, more aware, less selfish thinking. I will fight my ass off to stay afloat… to stay here.
There’s so much unknown yet to be found. So much of this life that’s unseen, unexperienced. I feel so much excitement when I think of that kind of unknown. Yet, such anxiety about the unknown of me… my future.
I wish I didn’t worry so much about things completely out of my control. I wish a lot of things. I’m not sure how to end this…My thoughts are all over the place. As I say to others, always remember to give yourself some grace. Now, I think it’s time I give myself some.
-eh xoxo KayJo”