A year ago on this day, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, my mind was anywhere but the holidays. This happened to be two days after I had told my parents, work, and counselor that I needed more help. We arranged the stay to start the following Monday, so I could spend Thanksgiving with the family. I decided that Thanksgiving day wouldn’t be the best time to tell everyone where I would be going a few days later. I chose Wednesday, the night before, to tell my family.
I went around to all my other family members and close friends that Wednesday and told them. What an exhausting day. It got easier with each visit, but depending on who I was telling and how they reacted, affected my reaction to them as well. Everyone was very strong. They all were either shedding tears or trying their best not to. The words, “I’m so proud of you” is something every single person said. Those words mean so much to any person. Being told that someone is proud of you and your decisions.
A year later, I can’t help but think of all the whirlwind of emotions I experienced that day. The angst I put into my family and friends. The looks of concern they gave me with their glassy eyes. I gained so much from this day. I got told stories from family and friends that I’d never heard before. Stories to help me feel better about what I was doing and how it was more than okay to do. How it was anything but selfish to focus on my self love and care. This was something I had a hard time coming to terms with. That it IS okay to be entering into a behavioral unit at the age of 23.
I nearly went to the unit at age 16, but manipulated my parents into thinking I was just fine. I’m honestly so happy I went at the age of 23 versus 16. My mindset at 23 was positive, wanting to learn and take away as much as I could from my stay. When I was 16, I was very negative about the whole experience and scared of what others would think. Living in a small town, it would be the talk of the town if I ended up being checked in at 16. Being in my adult life and having a little more privacy, was also more helpful as I entered into the unit.
Sadly, there’s something very intimidating about going to a hospital during your middle and high school years. Everyone knows. Everyone talks. You’re trying your best to focus on yourself and why you’re in the hospital. You don’t need that background noise and drama in your head during your stay. You want a clear mind to be as optimistic and open as possible with an end goal in mind. I feel like at 16, I would have gone in and participated in nothing, talked to no one and would have left the unit worse than before I entered.
Last Thanksgiving everyone tried their best to ignore the elephant in the room, but everyone knew. There was even a special prayer for me before our meal that made multiple people tear up, including me. It was still an amazing Thanksgiving, everyone made me feel normal. Going into Thanksgiving tomorrow I cheese inside. Knowing a year ago what our meal was like, versus now.
Not only am I extremely thankful for my family, friends, home, talents, health and body, but also extremely thankful to be here today. To say I made it, a year later. A year ago, looking into the future even a couple weeks was damn near impossible. Now, I can see the future. A future where I am in it. A future where my family isn’t missing and grieving me. A future where I get through these tough situations life throws at you.
As you enter into this year's Thanksgiving, I challenge you to really think about something you’re thankful for. Not just the normal list everyone gives, but something you truly are thankful for every single day. It could be something you might take advantage of. There’s so much to be grateful for. Happy Thanksgiving y’all.
xoxo
-KayJo