I have a true, raw, summary-like blog today. First off, I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New Years with their loved ones. I kind of took a step back to hone in on the family being home and enjoying my time with them.
At first, this was an adjustment, having the whole house full again. I loved it but couldn’t help but feel overstimulated at times. I was no longer on my own schedule but majority rules decisions made by the entire household. It was like we were all in High School again in a way. It was an amazing holiday season and I’m so incredibly blessed. However, I had to apologize to the family for my behavior as I wasn’t being vocal about how I’d been feeling. I was lashing out and isolating instead, that or completely dissociating from conversations and interactions.
My family is very energetic. They also tend to be very spontaneous with decisions sometimes. For example, if we’re in town for a game that we just watched, we may spontaneously go get dinner and drinks after. A normal thing right? Well, for my overstimulated, OCD, needs everything planned ass, this isn’t okay for me all the time. With it being the holidays, we tended to go out more and be a bit more spontaneous. I love spontaneity. I don’t understand why my body rejects actual spontaneous events sometimes.
Some nights, my manic extrovert self would come out and want to play. Others, my depressed, planned, wanting to go home self would emerge last second. A surge of anxiety would wipe over me at the last minute without any warning that I didn’t want to go until RIGHT THEN. Or we would already be somewhere and I’d abruptly have to leave. I was a rollercoaster to deal with. God bless my family and all they deal with.
Every year I have a harder time around Christmas without Grandma and Grandpa around as they go down south for the winter. It just feels wrong without them there sometimes. Like a Christmas we’d all have to have eventually in the future when they’re unfortunately no longer here, but not now. Not for how many years it’s been. We’re all still here. Craving their presence all winter long. I miss making Christmas goodies with Grandma as Grandpa chatted our ears off with hilarious dad jokes. Them going south is something that took many traditions with them. It’s heartbreaking, but I understand too. Grandma is much more comfy down there with her arthritis than up where we reside in South Dakota. However, I still struggle to come to terms with this. Every. Single. Christmas. Every. Single. Year.
Overall, especially after my conversation with the family about how I’d been feeling and after apologizing, the holidays were great. So much better than last year. I remember last year hardly being there at all. I was in the bathroom on the ground just sitting there breathing probably fifty times. No exaggeration, I disappeared that many times. Then there was the being physically present but mentally gone. I’d come in and out of dissociation and think, “I’m surrounded by those who love me, I just went to the hospital for my issues, and I’m still over here dissociated watching my adorable cousins open their presents and feel numb.”
This year was much different. I was present for mostly all of it, until I wasn’t. I only had to remove myself from the party twice which is a win for me. I just got overstimulated and started to dissociate so I went to my room for a breather. We hosted so I had my room to escape to when needed. Mom came in and checked on me and after hearing my cousin's voice, “Where’d Karlee go?” jolted me out of bed to come back down to join the party.
I talked to my counselor about this, disappointed in myself as usual. She told me things that helped me rewire my brain of course. Things that made me feel not so alone in how I feel sometimes. She also told me that sometimes in situations where she too disappears and hears someone ask where she went, instead of letting it eat at her she positively looks at it like, “well at least they notice I’m not there”. That phrase alone helped me immensely.
I’ll try to get more into posting on here but life’s just been crazy lately. I started working at the vet clinic again, Saturdays only for now and am still detailing vehicles at Ford. I also still work with my cousin every other Friday for embryo transplanting dairy creatures. I recently sent off the final draft of my book for publishing and should have my manuscript by the end of the month. Things are moving, exciting things to come for sure.
I feel a weight lifted off me after the holidays have ended. I think the expectations of it all overwhelms me. If you’ve been keeping up with my journey, 2023 was the year I decided to lower the crap out of my expectations. Yet, any time an expectation for someone or something comes up, a battle occurs. I feel myself wanting to keep them high but force myself and my expectations down like I’m forcing some textured, untasteful food. It’s something I clearly still struggle with but have improved with, Thank God. I don’t get hurt as easily, disappointed as often or as deeply, and feel more in control of the situations and experiences I endure.
I highly suggest trying to lower your expectations if you are someone like me. I tend to hold the benefit of doubt and this encompassing truth/loyalty bubble around someone or something until I’m smacked in the face with a, “No. You were wrong.” I got tired of that feeling. It only hurt me. As Shakespeare once said, “Expectations are the root of heartache”.
The point of this blog was to show that even if you’ve made strides in your journey, you’re still going to have moments like those I described above. You’re still going to deal with all that you’re diagnosed with. This is something I need to remind myself and loved ones of often. I am not ‘cured’ but better. I will still deal with these types of situations, probably for the rest of my life. However, I now have skills and mechanisms I use to help me when I am sinking into a hole, dissociating, or getting overstimulated. Sometimes, it’s harder than you wish with who you’re surrounded with, your environment, etc. I just wanted to share how my holidays went and hopefully it’s something that someone can resonate with.
The holidays are tough, even if you’re seen as “the perfect family”, not to say mine is. Holidays remind you of those you’ve lost. For my family, it’s grieving our grandparents from afar and being grateful for who still stands in the family today. There’s been many close calls, not only for me. However, for others, it’s grieving those you’ve lost for good. For some, it’s a lonely, miserable time. A few families have their picture perfect Christmas and New Years I’m sure. For the most part, I think the holidays are a rollercoaster for more families than we think. Than for those in the commercials, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. I like to say, besides the miracle of our Lord and Savior being born of course, it’s the most stressful time of the year. We don’t fully focus on that one miracle we’re supposed to I feel.
Anyway, I hope everyone has survived and gotten through the holidays and still have their sanity intact somewhat ;) I hope someone can resonate with this blog in some way. I’ll try to write on here more often as life settles down a bit. I wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope 2024 brings you joy, inner peace, and love. Remember, always give yourself some grace.
xoxo -KayJo